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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the Bearded Mystic Podcast, and I'm your host, rahul N Singh.
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Thank you for joining today, and today I want to talk about the darkest time in my life, and I want to talk about it because I did talk about it briefly on my conversation with Noe Rata.
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If you haven't watched that, please do.
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It's a really good conversation where I got to share this time in my life and it's the first time I've kind of shared it in an open way on a podcast anyway an open way on a podcast anyway.
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So the darkest time in my life was when my guru died, where I felt like I had lost everything.
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And this was because when you lose your spiritual guru, it's not literally losing somebody in your life, it's not just.
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You know I grew up listening to this and it was practically true your guru loves you more than your own family, your own friends, your own.
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That's not diminishing the love of your family and friends, but what I could say was true was that, you know, I felt especially for me, this is personal to me that Babaji loved me like anything and I loved him like anything, and so when you lose that person in your life, that's difficult in itself when you lose a human being.
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You know, and Babaji was such, where you know he was an amazing human being.
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You know you couldn't fault him.
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He was humble, kind-hearted, sweet-natured, you know, had a great sense of humor.
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There's so many great qualities and qualities and you know, and I think losing that was one thing, but the biggest one was losing the spiritual guru.
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Now, it was the first time, obviously, I have experienced such a thing where you physically lose the guru, and during that time I remember before.
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So in where I go to the Nangai mission, the successor is named and there was three days when the successor wasn't named but it became his wife, who was the next successor, and now it's his daughter, his and his wife's daughter.
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Um, but I'll go into that in a minute.
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Uh, so those three days when there was no mention, at least not in my head, like who was going to be in my head, I was still distraught that I'd lost someone so close to me, so dear to me, and the loss was more so to do with the kind of guidance and help that I got spiritually.
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Babaji was someone where I would go and speak to him about anything and everything If I had a problem in life, I would think of him in life.
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I would think of him More or less the material problems I addressed in my time when I used to prayer, or in prayer or meditation.
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I would converse with him through that way, but, um, but when it came to the um, but when it came to spiritual issues that I had or problems, I would address him directly about it.
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And you know, our conversations were somewhat funny because of that.
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You know, I would kind of take everything I said lightheartedly and he would give solutions in a light-hearted way, but they were proper solutions to my problems and the one thing that he if I, if I could sum up his advice or the way he tended to give advice, it was to empower you to realize who you truly are, and it was always coming back to this.
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Um, he would turn around and say, well, I don't understand why you're saying this, and at first I used to think he's talking to rahul the person, but now I look back and I'm like he never talked to rahul the personality.
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He talked to the atma that was within.
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And look how many it's taken me what he died in 2016.
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It's taken me nine years and it's crazy to say nine years.
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It scares me to think that it's been nine years, but I just then I realized, you know what.
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He never addressed me as the person.
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Uh, yes, you know, obviously you play the game of name and form, but when it came to the spiritual problems, it was never a personal thing that he interacted with me, it was more from a real spiritual place I really kind of had a lot of gratitude for was his exploration of oneness, and this oneness topic was something I'd kind of dealt with before he announced a kind of a convention in that name.
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But I was thinking about this a lot, the oneness between a master and disciple and I kept thinking about this so much.
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And in 2012, I remember releasing a book and that's when the relationship changed and I think it was more to do with the oneness experience.
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I had a real physical experience of oneness, very tangible, where I felt, where there was this experience of being expanded and being one with the universe, and that happened on two occasions once during meditation and once when I was out on a walk, meditation, and so obviously I had these experiences as my base, but they're all.
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If I go back to those experiences, it was all because of one thing that I got from the Nirankari mission since a young age, and that was there's two things One, you have satsang, where you know, you're constantly being reminded about this formless, this Nirankar.
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Then there is the aspect of then, there's the aspect of Brahmgyana.
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So when you have the knowledge of the ultimate self, so to speak, the ultimate presence, the ultimate existence, the ultimate kind of consciousness, so when and if I go back to those experiences in my head, I followed that route and that route, the Gyan that is given is actually done in the.
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Now I've realized it's done in the Upanishadic tradition, like it's actually a traditional method, actually a traditional method.
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It's not, uh, as much as it's kind of modern in some ways, but it's actually following the traditional method where you, um, look at what's being superimposed you and then you negate the superimposition and reality is revealed to you.
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And, um, as much as I say easy here, um, you know, in my opinion, it's only when this knowledge is given to you as you experience it directly, between the master or the master's representative and, and the disciple, and the disciple that's open to that knowledge, does it actually work?
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Um, so when I had this, uh, when I received this knowledge many times, but my experiences were always based on this.
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So when I read the Upanishads, it spoke to me, because I read it with that knowledge, that Brahmagyan in my mind.
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When I read the Bhagavad Gita, same thing when I read the works of Meister Eckhart or Rumi, or even Buddhist texts, even some science books I used to read some stuff on science and it would just remind me of the Brahmagyan.
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And so I realized that whenever I shared spiritual questions or spiritual explorations with Babaji, he was addressing me in a different manner and I was and that was the same thing Like I addressed him as the, as Ishvara.
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Now, in the Nengaray mission, we term Ishvara and Nirgun as the same, but if we had to truly look at it, nirgun Nyingari is there, it's here, it's the transcendent and the imminent, but more so, the imminent is Ish, the um is Ishwara.
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So the personal god, the great.
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How I related this to Advaita Vedanta, because I was studying Advaita Vedanta even back then, and I even mentioned this to Babaji that this is the one philosophy that's making a lot of sense to me, um, and and then I realized and I realized this now, not necessarily then that you know the guru in the nirgai mission is seen as ishwara, and that makes so much sense and it's so much easier to connect with because, uh, in the beginning of a spiritual journey you need a physical form to kind of connect with.
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So when you have that physical form, you connect to that physical form.
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That takes you to the formless, that it to the nirguna.
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It just makes absolute sense.
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So you see the manifestation and you go to the unmanifest and it was such an easy and it's such an easy process that now I look back I'm like this was crazy, that I was experiencing all this and I didn't even have words for this, I didn't have any way of explaining this and you know, and somewhat even till today, regardless of babaji's um, and now I'm out of that dark time but what I would say is that that Brahmagyan element, that ultimate knowledge element, the realization of this formless element, that never left, that was with me even.
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I remember, if I recall back to the moments when I saw Babaji's body in front of me, I just remember that only my awareness really remained in that moment.
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Even grief hadn't turned up.
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At that point I was still in the kind of shock that this, this has happened, because you know, and actually the the context for that is, in a month's time, babaji was going to conduct me and my wife's marriage.
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So you know, I was super excited about that and, and I would say, and even even in my marriage ceremony, even though Babaji wasn't physically there, satguru Mata Savindaji, who was his wife, who became the guru, even though she wasn't physically there, I kind of still felt that they were there.
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And it was really weird, like I remember saying to my wife I don't know how to, because my dad asked me if I wanted to say a few words and I couldn't, because all I kept feeling was their presence and it was bringing tears to my eyes at the time.
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I mean, it was just crazy.
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So if someone looked back and they were like, oh, you're crying on your wedding, it's because their presence was overwhelming and and again, it was just maybe it was the emotions at that time.
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But, like I mentioned, the awareness was still there and that awareness of the formulas was still very present.
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It was the only thing that was kind of keeping me going, so to speak.
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So, you know, my wife being the best savior, the best person to kind of take me out of this situation, um, you know, to today, where, um, you know, the current master is Babaji's daughter and but there's, you know, there's one thing I noticed, even when Babaji's wife was a guru, that something had carried on, and I didn't have words for what that was, I just recognized it.
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But my mind was so and I want to say it's my ego it was just so hell-bent on seeing if there was difference.
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And and by constantly seeing difference, by constantly, you know, it was just constantly playing this game and but inside of me, inside my heart, all I knew was there was this, there was a sameness, and I didn't know what, and I think my mind didn't know what to do with it, because probably it was still dealing with Babaji's loss.
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And even till today, like I would say, I've dealt with the loss, like, okay, you know, I accept that he's gone, but I miss him every day, like I don't think there's not been a day since May 13, 2016 when I found out that I've not thought about him.
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There will be something that will happen in the day, or there'll just be the waking up and just thinking of him, and that still happens.
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But recently, you know, this feeling has got transferred to Mataji, mataji Siddhikshaji, who's the current guru, and but the reason why the base is there is so, if Babaji gave me oneness, then in Mataji's time, funny enough, and this is so.
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This is why I find my journey fascinating.
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But let me just give a little um segue, um, let me just not so great, let me just take one step back in this time.
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Um, this was before Babaji's death, but there was a time when I also took the knowledge from the Brahma Kumaris and, in my opinion, and the knowledge of the Brahma Kumaris just didn't sit well with me.
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It just it felt very childish and wasn't as deep as I think people there thought it was.
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But you know, if it serves a purpose for their followers, there's nothing, you know, there's nothing.
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It just didn't work for me.
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So there's that Then.
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So anyway, so, yeah, so I've done my bit of searching.
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You know, I have gone to other places of worship, other gurus, and I've met them.
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And you know, I think there's nothing wrong with that, I give them the same respect and I saw, you know, I see and I realize.
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So you know, you have to see the guru in everything, and that's what makes it easier to see the guru in everything and that's what makes it easier.
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So anyway, um, so, prior to, so, as my mind is like wrestling with the sameness and it's trying to see difference, right, so I'm going to do that.
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Then comes um swami sevapriyanandaji.
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Someone shows me a video.
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A friend showed me a video and sent it to me.
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I delayed watching that video for a while and then I kind of watched it.
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It was the first video I watched of him.
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His was about no mind.
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So I watched that and I was like, wow, this guy speaks a lot of sense.
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So then for ages I just kept listening to his um teachings and his sharings, and you know we've also interviewed him on this podcast.
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So I obviously I explore his messages about consciousness and awareness and, lo and behold, mataji's main topic, my current guru's main topic, is about consciousness, and it's just.
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I'm in awe and I just don't understand that whenever I keep developing the guru's, like oh yeah, I'm with you on this, like we're talking about the same thing, like, oh yeah, I'm with you on this, like we're talking about the same thing, and so, having that experience, I don't know if I've worded it correctly or whether it makes sense or whether it's just a word salad, I'm not sure, but it just there's been a continuity.
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And I've not realized the continuity until I've actually, in the past say a year, I've just rested in awareness.
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And when I've rested in awareness, everything has just been being discovered.
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And so, um, and just like recently, it was just very weird that, um, and just like recently, it was just very weird that I felt like I was missing Mataji, just like I missed Babaji, and the interactions between myself and Babaji was much more than it is with Mataji, but I felt like I missed it.
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The same way, and it was just again like as much as my mind was trying to grapple with it, and again, like as much as my mind was trying to grapple with it, this time I was able to tell my mind to calm down and to let my heart just feel what my heart had to feel.
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And so there's that, and I think a lot of it was triggered by, I remember, when somebody asked me that why do I still go to satsang, and you know, and they were saying that things aren't the same and, um, you know, it isn't the same as when Babaji was alive, and all this, and I mentioned one thing to that person that when Babaji was here.
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When I was in sangatsang, I connected only to Nirguna, to the formless, to consciousness.
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Now, when I go to satsang, that's the only thing that I'm connected to.
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Yes, I listen to the thoughts.
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I listen to the thoughts more as if you want to say, like you know, you, when you go to the cinema and you watch a movie, and you just and you watch the movie and and that's it, you know and you enjoy it.
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That's literally what it is, if, if anything, um, I'm only looking for that content which is taking me to the formless.
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And even then, I don't need that, because this Brahmgyana that's been given is the same, and that Brahmgyana, that ultimate realization, that knowledge of truth, that knowledge of the ultimate reality of Brahman, has not gone anywhere.
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It hasn't changed, it's still the same.
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So, in essence, you know what was the darkest time in my life?
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Today I'm living the brightest time in my life, and it's not because, because now I know that Babaji hasn't gone anywhere.
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The Lord of Love remains always in the heart and Ishwara is always here.
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So, whether it's Mata Svendaji, his wife, she's still my Satguru.
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Babaji is still my Satguru and so is Mataji, mata Siddhikshaji, she's my Satguru and I think bringing.
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What I'm saying is they are all their essence, because I see them as Ishvara.
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Their essence is of consciousness, and consciousness is essentially formless.
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So what I'm worshipping, what I'm in love with, what I adore, what's in my heart, is nothing but the formless, nothing but consciousness itself.
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And bringing all this is what true oneness is, and it's taken me so long to realize this, but a journey that I am so grateful for, a journey that has only empowered me to become a better person and to bring that into my life.
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So, if anything, you know, you can have feelings of oneness, you can have feelings of consciousness, you can experience this thing and you may chase after it, but if it doesn't make you a better human being, then there's really no point of it.
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And essentially, all I can say is that when you see the Guru in everything and in everyone, life becomes easier Because you know the one thing that happens and I noticed this when I went to other places of worship everyone will say that they have the one true Guru or the one true philosophy or whatever, but when you see the sameness in everything, when you have that samdrishti this is something that babaji and mataji talk a lot about having that same vision.
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When you have that same vision, then your world opens up to levels which you've never imagined in your life and you open your heart so much, you expand so much, you become boundless, because there is so much to learn from everyone, and as much as yes, there's going to be differences, like.
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There's things I don't believe in duality at all and they are dualistic philosophies, but that doesn't mean they don't have any rightity at all.
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And they are dualistic philosophies but that doesn't mean they don't have any right to exist.
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Of course they do and they must exist.
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Who am I to say they shouldn't?
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You know, but I don't have to follow it.
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You know that's my choice.
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But in essence, I know that non-duality is there because it's the absence of duality, and duality is nothing but the absence of non-duality, and that's what it is and it's.
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And when you go beyond this game, you just see what you need to see.
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You just see reality.
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That's all you see.
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All you see is brahman, all you see is the self, the consciousness, the atman.
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That's all you see.
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So that's really I wanted to share is, and you know, yes, I've gone from the darkest time to what is now like the best time in my life, I've started writing poetry again that I'm enjoying, um, you know, and I used to write poetry all the time during Babaji's, when Babaji was alive, and then, even when Babaji died, I wrote poetry, but it was all about the pain of losing him.
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And now it's about the pain.
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I mean not the pain, it's about the joy of being in this being, immersing myself in this boundless, formless consciousness, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
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And, um, all I can say is I have immense gratitude to my sattva guru, to my guru, and all I know is that I have to be a sincere and honest devotee, that's all.
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And the more I do that, the more I gain and the more I enjoy from reading the scriptures, like right now I'm rereading the Upanishads.
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I'm absolutely loving it because it's just taking me back to what really matters, which is consciousness.
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And, um, without the brahm gyan that my sattva guru gave to me, I don't think I'll be sharing on on podcasts, um, so yeah, anyway, on podcasts.
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So, yeah, anyway, I just want to take.
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I just leave that with you.
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Let me know what you think about this episode.
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Yeah, take care everyone, namaste to you all.
